芬言瘋語

想想覺得這個世界好奇妙

人為甚麼會有生老病死呢

某些人一定會回答說

因為這是自然界的定律啊

不然這個世界上以後都全是老人啦

好吧也對

可是 我可以不要成為定律的一分子嗎？

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFxe3fdFslk

On the previous post I just mentioned that I am happy
I guess I should control myself not to chat him on the skype
I don't know why I just felt insecure and I feel that something's wrong
But I was just so stubborn
I want to know why and I need to have an explanation so that I can pick up my heart and move on

See, like what I said people dumb me all the time
I don't need to know the reason why they dumb me
But I just need them to tell me that they are leaving me

I am a strong girl
I will put a lots of pastel on my heart 
It will recover soon
 

Finally after 3 months I join the company

I got the chance to went for my orientation

I love this company so much

Just hope that my boss will give me a chance

Don't be too harsh and be nice to me

So that I get the chance to stay for more longer

I am trying so hard to understand why

Why she does not like me

But it's okay

I will fix this

I will try harder and harder 

Let her know that I am sincere to work with her

I just wish that there is some spell that I can perform 

So that everything will run smooth

I am having a complicated feelings now

Feel happy and sad

Finally my friend got her visa

She is going to have her new life in Australia with her boyfriend

I knew that long distance relationship is killing her 

I am happy for her

But sad that she is going to leave me soon

She is one of my close friend 

Besides that I am envy of her too

Anyway, I will always be here for her

I feel good today

Feel so thankful

Thanks for all the people in my life

No matter good or bad 

They make me more stronger and stronger

I was learning how to let go

Don't care too much

My boss started to like me 

I have faith that we can get along

Luckily I never give up

Whatever it is today I am in the mood 

I will keep up tomorrow

Practice my french with a guest from the 

Embassy of french

It is so good to have someone to speak other language

I love my life

Lately I saw a lots of people is enjoying life with their partner

It was so good to have someone to share your life with

I am still alone

Hard to tell

It was so hard to express my feelings to others
Every time when I try I must end up by saying
"Forget about it, It's not that important"

Why?
I have no idea
I was searching for a soul mate but I guess I can't
I am trying to put a mask on
But a clown mask and told myself that everything is gonna be fine

My heart is lonely

He was saying that I am too stress

I need to go for a short trip during Raya

I wish I could

I wish I could just walk away like that

But I can't 

He said I am lonely

I told him I am not

I got friends and families

Then he said

"Your heart is lonely"

He told me to find a good listener

Make myself happy go lucky

I told him I am

All my friends saw me they said I male them happy

He answer 

"They happy but not you"

How come he know me

He said not everyone can read my mind

But he can

I don't know why

I told him everything is gonna be okay

I will be fine

He said not everyday is a sunny day

How come you said you are fine

I know he is trying to help me

Trying to be there for me

But sorry that I have to push him away

I prefer to stand by my own

Trust me 

I am gonna be okay

Saw this on facebook

"Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions."
This is what I always believe and now still believe on it
**********************************************
Today I am so happy
I video called with Jonathan
I always forgot that he asked me not to do the "OK" sign with my fingers
But I always forgot and I will just do it when I want to said OK
Then he will started to shy, his face turn red 
Ops I will shout and apologize 
Sorry sorry I forget about that and we both laughing

He will always introduce me to his families
Show me his house and I love to talk to him

When the call start, he will grab his guitar and sing me a couple of love song
Then we start sharing life

I love that feeling like we care to each others
We don't call everyday but he will try to call me when we both are available

:)

 
 

Not welcome

Work with the new company about 2 months already

I don't feel welcome at all

It seem like my boss dislike me

She always joke around with others colleague 

But except me :(

I can feel the way she treat me and sje treat others are different

Some of you my think that it must be my own problem

I think too much

But i can feel it

Should i go to talk to my boss?

Or

Should i just remain on the current situation?

I don't wish to give up easily

I always wanted to be stronger

Wish I have someone to share with

昨天和爷爷聊天的时候
他问我说
你几时要拍拖呀?
有男朋友了吗？
几时要结婚啊？

我回答他说
我不结婚了
我要做尼姑
他正经八百的说
你不要让你父母的事情影响你

我愣了一下
我没有想到
原来他那么在意这件事情
我好想安慰他说
不是那样的
不关大人们的事

是我自己
还没有找到
一个适合的人
或许正确一点的说
那个爱我的人
还没有出现

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday had a long chat with my grandpa over the phone
He was asking me how am I doing?
Got a boyfriend?
When am I will going out for a date
When am I going to get married...


I froze for a while and I joke to him
I told him that I am not going to get married
I wanna be alone forever
He was so worried

He told me that don't affect by my parents history
I just wish I could consult him that
No, nothing to do with their history
Is my problem

No one love me
No one come to me
Or I should said no one realize me neither

I was like left behind
Abandoned
Of course who don't want a better girl
Pretty
Charming
Good in social 
Sexy
Slimmer

I was out of all those critirea
I am totally disqualified

I won't just simply pick one guy and get along
If I can't find the one
I will rather be single and alone forever

Grandpa, don't worry
I will be good
You got a lots of granddaughter out there
They will get married and you will have plenty of grand grand son / grand grand daughter...


Love you grandpa
Like I always did....

I never see Mr P online for two days

I was worried

I guess I think too much

I keep checking on my skype 

I knew that he never came online

I was lost

Like something is missing

Then i just realized that he can leave me easily

Without the skype or line

We totally lost contact!

Then I started to think a lots of nonsense stuff

Is his wife found out that he got affair?

Is his girlfriend know that he got affair?

He was trying to ran away from me?

What happen to him?

:(

London?

When is he going to london?

Why I got no information at all?

Oh yea who am I to know what his schedule

I  am just a nobody...

Nightmare

Last week i kept awake from nightmare

The same nightmare

I dreamed that someone killed my whole families

Everyday different person get killed

By the time i want to look closer who is the murderer 

I awake 

When I woke up i felt sad like something in my heart are missing

A very important thing

But I don't know what is that...

Joy of the morning

Woke up early in the morning and received a message from Jonathan

He said that he miss me and he want to talk with me

I called her on skype while I am walking to the bus station

I showed him around the road, the cars and the sky

He showed me his new cell phone 

I like that feeling! 

Sharing with each others 

Caring :)

Even we don't speak often but we always miss each others and we skype maybe once a month 

I am happy! 

Ola Brazil :)

The story behind

Everyone have their own story 

So do I

We don't know what is behind the smile 

Wearing a mask and keep myself apart from others

Today when I was on the way to work

A stranger was greeting me

I was so scared

I thought is his friend 

I quickly walk away from the place while thinking who the hell is he

Why he greets me

He gave me a hard time

It cause me a nightmare

I just wish I could run away

Run away from him

The Impossible

Just watched a movie called "The Impossible"
It was a true story about the tragedy of Tsunami happened in Asia
A lots of people lost their families
A lots of people lost their home
A lots of people even lost their life

I cried when I watched it
Heart was like tearing a part
I saw some of the people are selfish to help
Some of the people are so kind to help

I sincerely believe that there is always some people with heart out there
Human are not born to be evil
Environment changed them

I can't do anything about that
But I will behave myself to be good
I will help whatever if I can help
I sincerely wish that I could give a helping hand for those who need help

I believe that the world is still wonderful
I am glad that I am still alive
I appreciated all the good peoples around me
I thanks for those bad people for making me more stronger

I am good and I wish the world could be better

Let's be a human with heart
Let's help

I promised
I will be good...

Diet plan

Set my diet plan but I never follow it

Always screw up

This friend ask to hang out that friend ask  for gathering

Oh gosh! 

I am so fat and ugly :(

I always can't stand strong

Easily give up

Tomorrow and tomorrow

Tomorrow never end...  

;(

Hope things work smooth and I am able to forget the past

With Mr P support 

Thanks Mr P for be with me

I am scared

Suddenly think about the bastard
It reminded me about how he cheated me and threaten me 
It was my forever night mare

Hope I can walk away  from the shadow soon...

17.06.2013

I wanted to documented this special day
Today is the first day I join the big families for GH
Hope everything was fine for me in the future

My new colleagues was good
As far as I know..

Keep positive...

Thanks friends, families and lover for the wishes...
Love

New Job = New Life

Soon I will start my new job
Back to the normal life I used to had
Stress life

I am so nervous on it
I hope that I can do better and I can get along with my new colleagues

I hope somebody could give me some motivation
Tell me that I will be fine

This is the first time that I am so sure on what I want
Go for my dream and never look back

I always remind myself that everything will be okay
They won't bite 

Anyway, I will try to adapt myself with the new environment
Please wish me luck guys

Adel, you can do it...

The end

Finally everything had come to the end

Today is my last working day with "Pulai"

I am sad to leave my colleagues

I love them

But when the benefits of the company and the job tasks are not suitable for me

I know I should leave

For my career and my dream

I sincerely wish all my colleagues success in their future

I felt blessed that most of the people that i met love the way I am 

I will be good and stay calm

不堪回首的过去

难道错过了一次
就永远也无法回头吗？

过去不堪回首的种种
就犹如一场重播的旧电影
一幕幕的在我脑海里出现
提醒着自己
过去是多么的愚蠢
过去是多么的天真

我一直努力的提醒自己说
过去的就让它过去吧
不要再犯错了

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If there is a mistake happened 
Does it means that we could only accepted it and never look back?

What happened in my previous life
Was like an old movie
Keep repeating in my mind
It remind me not to be foolish and naive again

I was working hard to forget all the past




 

One of my friend advice me that not to be too lovely with people

Nowadays everyone are selfish

They don't care what is actually happening around them

But he can't understand that I am happy when people appereciate me 

Like what I did yesterday

I was in a bus and there is a lots of people sitting and standing

It was during working hours

A pregnant lady came in to the bus and no one was actually want to give her their sit

I immediately stand up and offer her my sit

Before she get down from the bus

She said thank you to me

I replied her that I am suppose to do that

She said no you don't but you did

I am not trying to show off that I am kind 

Just want to share and create awareness that

This world is actually everyone equal

We help those who needs help

Beause one day we might need others help too

What if everyone don't care?

This world will become sucks

Broken Doll

I am not sure that am I too naive to still believe in fairy tale
A lots of girls out there don't believe it 
They just simply get along with any guys that they think they love 
Maybe there is a true love among them
But who knows

I think I don't really know what means of love
I always believe in the fairy tales that I told myself
I  told myself that angel already assign the true love for me 
Just he is not here for me yet
Or maybe he is here but I never realize that or we both never realize that
One day maybe 
One day someone will come to me with a key
A key that open a broken heart

A lots of guys told me that they loved me 
But I am sorry that I always judge that 
Do they really love me?
9 out of 10 are asking something from me
I always said yes to them without failed
Maybe I am too scared of being left alone
I always hope that one day
Maybe one day someone will fill up the empty part of me

I am not desperate to find a lover or a  husband
Sometimes I just don't know who I can talk to when I got a problem
I got no shoulder for me to lay down and cry on it
I do not have another hand that hold me on the arms and tell me that 
"Everything is gonna be alright" 

No matter how strong I am
I am still a girl
I always think that a girl and a guy create a prefect match
That's why there is a gentlemen and a lady assist in the world
That 's why there is a word of "male" and "female"

Is okay, I can wait
I can wait until I been found
I can use up my entire life to be found

Case No.1:

- There is a guy that 3 years older than me, we went to the same secondary school, we used to text each others every moment, we used to talked on the over the phone for a very long long hours. I knew that we are in love. But when my friends asked me are you and XXX get in to a relationship? I denied that because the guy never told me that he love me or he like me. We are just flirting like that. But when his friend asked him are he in love with me? He never admit that too. But when I talked to another guy he getting jealous, he mad at me. At the end, I found out the reason that why he don't want to admit that he loved me. Because it was so hard for him to admit that he was in loved with a fat girl. 

Case No.2:

- I always felt lucky that I met him. he is one year younger than me. We went to the same secondary school as well. He was madly in love with a girl for few years I guess. But the girl rejected him and he was keep waiting. One night, we been to a party together, we had a long chat over the public phone next to each others, yea i knew it was silly we talked to each others using  a public phone in fact we are just beside each others. That night we started to text, we started to talked over the phone and lastly we are in love. Maybe he is in love with me. That's his first love and I guess so do I because he is the person that I gave my first kiss. He was proudly introduce me to his friend, told them that I am his girlfriend. But his brother was mad at him, his brother think that he deserve better. I myself I don't have confident on me, I felt that I embarrassing him. Some of his friend got a hot chick but he got a fat meat. Slowly I act like I don't care about him anymore. I pretend that I don't love him. Oh yea, his cousin was my best friend, and the girl thought that I fall in love with the guy is because of money. I just could not tell the guy that I wanna broke up with him, what I do is I draw a line with him. I rejected all the dates with him, I talked to another guys and I use the same ringtone with others guys. Just to make him dumb me. Finally, he text me and said that he felt we both are not suitable to each others. Now he got a pretty nice girl friend and we are still friend. He will never ever know this and he should not saw this post.

I hope I can figure out what happen to him
I saw his facebook that he was actually commit suicide
Glad that he is fine now
I knew that he already broke up with his girlfriend
I feel sad when i got to knew this

We are not that close
We only talked to each others for a month and we are friend on facebook
But I just can't let things happen 
I commented his post
I just wish to give him some positive energy
Just wanted him to know that actually there is someone who care for him out there

I wish I could take care of him
I wish i could be with him
Nothing much
Just wanna be with him quietly
I hate when others are sad

At night I can't stop myself again
I sent him a text
I told him that
"When life hit you bad, just stand up and fight back.
Sun keep shining, earth keep turning
Sometimes we have to learn how to let go
People come and go
That's life..."


I hope he understand what I am trying to said
Trent, I will always be here 
Right here for you 
I got your back...

I sincerely wish you could get well soon 
No mater your heart, your body or your mental

Looking forward to meet the new you...

How much time people usually use to forget a tragedy?

I guess I am going to use mu entire life to pay for a mistake that I been made

Ade, why are you so naive when you are young?

You always thought that you found your prince

You always wish that one day someone could love you like what you expected

But you never realize that you are the one  should love yourself more than others love you

You always promised yourself that you are going to love yourself

But did you?

You are wasting your valuable time to put yourself in the past

Help yourself to go through the past 

Can you do that?

Special for you David

He is my best friend that We can share everything

One day I felt sad and i change my status to a sad face on skype

He used to put his skype status to "away" so I never expect that he will saw what's on my status

But he concern! He realized that!

(Of course others are concern too, especially Mr P as well)

He asked me please don't be sad

Can I be happy? Please

I told him that I was fine

When I told others that I am fine 

They will just believe on me

But he know me very well. 

He asked me you are fine what about deep in heart?

Damn! He know it

He used to share some funny jokes and music every time when I am sad

I am glad that we meet David

You are one of the best gift that I had in my life...

Thank You

Dear all the friends and families,

Once again I would like to express my appreciation to all of you

Thanks for loving me

Thanks for allow me to be a part of your life

I might not a perfect families member or friends or lover

But I always wanted to improve

Please give me a second chance so that I can prove it. 

I love you guys and thanks for everything

Middle Girl

When I was in a college
I used to hang out with two buddies
A guy and a girl
R and J
We stay with each others all the time

They both are very important to me 
But J started to flirt a lots with me 
I means he is that kind of person
I am used to it and I understand that he does not really mean to date me or others stuff
He flirted me just because he felt like he wanted to 
I am sure he did with a lots of girls out there too
So that I am fine
I am really fine because it's really nothing to do with me
I mean we treated each others as a best friend

He used to gave me special nick name
"Fan Fan" which only called by him not others

But R started to get annoyed 
She does not like the way J treated me 
She is not jealous 
I mean J is not her cup of tea
Just she was so annoyed by the way me and J be
Like a couple but not a couple
A lots of my classmate thought that we are
But in fact we are not
We are too lazy to explain to others
We just let it be

Since then I was a middle girl between both of them
It ended after J quick the course and left me and R
I will still hang out with both of them in a separate way
Not together like we are in the college

J called me out to a book fair in the afternoon
He knew that I love reading 
Right after i put down the call
R called me out 
I was like ops
I promised to went out with J at the first place
But I wish to hang out with R too
They are both important to me and I really wish to spend my weekend with them
 So i suggested to R that let's go to book fair together with J
R was fine 
But J...

He was not sporting
He said he was not prepare to meet R yet 
He said he only wanted to spend his time with me
Not others else

My heart drop and I was dissapointed
I thought that finally I am able to get them both together
J asked me to called R back to reject her
I was sad but I never told J

I am really good in reject others 
Especially an important friend
But no choice
Luckily R was understandable 

:( 

How can I tell

My colleagues are planning to have the farewell party on tomorrow
Which I don't wish to join
First, because the location for the party is far from my house
It's not convenience for me to go home after the party due to I don't have my own transport
Second, I don't really wish to join them not because of I don't like my colleague
It's because of I don't have much money to join the party
I just came back from my hometown and I used a lots of money o the trip
Their salary is more higher than mine
Maybe double up...

I feel very difficult to reject them 
I don't know how can I tell them
Sigh...

Hot

The weather was getting hotter and hotter and very humid

I used to miss the sun when there is a raining season

But now

It been too hot

I always feel like myself is melting

Wish I got the habit of sleep naked but i don't

Wish the weather could be better

Eat!

The 5th day when I am home

Eating non stop and going out non stop

I felt sorry to Mr P because I din't talk much to him

But I always wanted to talk to him

When I think of gonna back to the reality soon

I am sad

No choice

"That's Life"

Fried Cheese Banana

oto

View of Tawau

Tawau is the most biggest palm oil city

Fresh Crab

Sweet & Sour Fish

Prawn

Crab

Souvenir

One day trip to Lahad Datu and Kunak with my uncle

We ate a lots of delicious food

Deer meat, sweet and sour fish and fried sotong is one of the dishes

Visit Grandma

Finally 

I got a chance to visit grandma in a graveyard

When I saw her picture 

My tears start falling

I talked to her and I hope that she will bless me as she always did in the past

I enjoy my time with my families

Especially my grandpa

Because I understand that he is the one that you loved the most

I will always miss you...

I am home!

Finally! I am home now! 

My grandpa was so happy when he saw us!

We having some good time together

We had our hometown famous food

Spending some time with my lovely cousin

I guess there is still a lots of activities coming soon...

Bad dream

God! How can i dreamed of her?!

I woke up with shock

She used to be one of my best friend during Secondary School

Unfortunately 

Things go wrong and we mess up

She treated me like an enemy 

I thought everything is gonna be okay after we left school

Who knows we study at the same college again

Damn it!

She like to bully me and during that time

She became my nightmare

She just can't get off from me

Now she appeared in my dream again

After the election there are a lots of issued coming out
About racist, about corruption and about the politician

For me I am very simple
What I need is a peaceful country
I don't really mind who rule the country
As long as they did the right things for the country and the peoples

The only things that I feel ashamed of is 
A simple country election make Malaysia a famous country
Australia, China, Taiwan, Singapore and Hong Kong (Not sure about others country)  
Treating this election as a joke

It's complicated and difficult to explain on here
Just hope that everything will be fine and I need a peaceful country to stay 

Some of my friend were saying that they wanted to migrate to others country
It works when you got a lots of money or you got a partner from oversea
No comment on this

*Please return me a peaceful country...

给嫲嫲的一封信

嫲嫲，

我刚才和你说话了
你听见了吗？
你有像我想你 一样的想我吗？

你知道吗
我一直走不出没有你的日子
难过伤心时
特别的想你

只有在你的身边
我才觉得有安全感
因为我知道
无论我变成什么样子
我依然还是你的孙女
你从来没有想过放弃我
无论
以前的我
如何的顶撞你

以前的我
老是觉得你偏心
不疼我们
说些难听的话让你难过
当我长大了
我才知道
你所做的一切
都是为了我们

是我不好
从来都没有好好的为你想想
现在
后悔真的太迟了

现在的你在天堂
过的好吗？
我一直坚信
你到了天堂
因为
你是我的天使
一生的天使

最近的我
变得好奇怪
好消极

我一直试着努力的激励自己
让自己一直保持正面的思考
可是
我失败了

我好想
真的好想
回到你的身边 
一辈子
呆在你的
翅膀下
因为我知道
你爱我
胜过你爱你自己

你知道吗
最近我才发觉
原来
家里的人都不喜欢我
说我霸道
自私
他们只懂得怪我
却不试着去了解
为什么
我会变成这个样子

现在的我
是个坏女孩了
因为你不在了
没有你在我的身边提醒我
我做错了好多事


一直以来
我都以为
爱一个人
就是要爱他的所有
原来不是的
所以家里的人讨厌我了

或许是我封闭了自我
感受不到他们对我的爱
又或许
他们真的不爱我

我好怀念
我们老是坐在门前聊天
我就好像在对你说故事一样
告诉你学校里发生的事情
你总会教我对与错

每一次回家
去拜祭你的时候
我都控制不住自己的眼泪
我的心老是觉得被掏空了

现在的你
离我好远好远

我想你了
********************************
 Hi Grandma,

I just spoken to you a while ago
Can you hear me?      
Do you miss me like I miss you?

Did you know that I just can't walk away from your death
When I was sad and down
I missed you the most
 
I will only felt secured when you are around me
Now I am lost
I know that no matter what happen, how I become 
I am still your beloved granddaughter
You never think of giving up on me
Even I always quarrel with you
Make you angry   
 
 Last time, I always thought that you buyers
You don't love us
Said those bad words to hurt you
But when I growth up  
I understand that
What you did are all for our own goods

I am bad
I never stand on your shoe and think on your side
It was too late to regret and apologize

How are you in the heaven?
I always believed that you are in the heaven 
Because you are my angel
You are my angel forever

This recently
I become so emotional and demotivated

I always trying to motivate myself that everything is gonna be alright
But I lose to the fact

I always wanted to come back to you
I always wanted to hide myself under your protection
Because I know that you love me 
More than you love yourself

Now only i realized that my sisters actually don't like me
 They said I am bossy and selfish
But they never try to understand why is the reason I become like that
They will just blame on me

Without you by my side
I am the bad girl now
I did a lots of mistakes
Because you were not there to guide me and tell me what's the fact
 
All the while 
I thought that when you loved someone
You should loved all her good and bad
But in fact Nope
So they hate me they don't like me

Maybe I closed my heart 
So that I can't feel their love
Or
Maybe they really don't like me

I missed the time when every evening we will sit down together and chit chat
I was like a story teller
I will told you what's happening in school
That time 
You will tell me what is right and wrong

When I am back to hometown
I feel that something is missing
My heart is broken

Now you are far away from me
Very far away...

Grandma, I miss you
I miss being your granddaughter